Some late night ramblings from last night...

Sometimes I can't tell if I feel that I'm missing out on some things by not living in New York right now, or if I really am happy living a slower pace in Portland. I honestly feel both at the same time - which is the one I should listen to?

Anyway, this quandry comes up most often after I've watched or read something that depicts the single-girl-in-the-city lifestyle I thought I would lead after college, though was never sure I really wanted. A couple media that have been catalysts for this tonight:

Hooking Up
Summer reality shows - I have come to rely on them. According to the show promos, this one has been called "the real life Sex and the City" by some notable newspaper out there, so you know I'm already hooked. Basically, the hour show followed five or six women as they emailed a bit, called, set up dates and met with various guys in New York City. Some bad dates (a self-proclaimed "thin Fabio" with a hot model photo showed up 15-years older than he said he was with stringy red hair and craggy face - ewww!), some okay dates (guy buys dinner, gets a few laughs, but the girl doesn't want to jump his bones at all) and some great dates (ending with late night drinks, passionate kisses, all that warm and fuzzy stuff). At first, I enjoyed the vicarious rush of watching them meet new guys, get butterflies and hear the flirty and flattering things the guys said to them. Do I miss dating?, I wondered. But the more I watched, the more stressed out I became and the more disillusioned I got about the guys that are out there (not to say, single ladies, that there aren't some great catches - I'm just happy I caught one). The show was damn fine entertainment and I will surely be watching again, if only to remind myself that I am so much happier chillin' on the couch in my lovely apartment with my wacky boyfriend.

Score: Portland 1 / New York 0

Imaginary Socialite
A blog by a mysterious magazine editor who is very much plugged into the "hipster scene," as well the media and young celebrity world. I spent a good chunk of time after watching the show catching up on her archived posts. I wanted to think that I was hip and in-the-know enough to guess her veiled references (just the fact that I used "hip" and "in-the-know" proves that I'm not), but reading most of the posts just left me feeling even more left out. Is this the life I should be leading?, I thought to myself (okay, I said it out loud - I was alone at home!). It's not like I hit the town and go to the hottest spots even in Portland, so would I really be doing that in new York? What about the magazine world that I thought I so loved? Am I selling myself short not going after that? The questions swirled in my head as I clicked through post after post, and I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I read them all, torturing myself with self-doubt.

Score: Portland 1 / New York 1

So I'm back where I started, wanting both.

I have this weird complusive nature that makes me never want to miss out on anything, never be out of the loop, never fall behind the trends. That must be why I'm such a voracious consumer of media. And I think that's why I have this desire to live in new York - where it all starts, where it all happens - so I can be in the thick of it and never miss out.

Sometimes I think if I didn't know about that New York life, I wouldn't care. So why do I torture myself with these tastes of New York, even when I know the romanticization (word?) of the city and the lifestyle really is bullshit? It's like an addiction...I had a taste and now I can't stop, and yet I am unable to take the big plunge, instead just sitting on the sidelines, hanging on the fringes and flirting with that life....then going back to the safety of my bed and sleep and my yummy cute boyfriend.

I called John before I went to bed (he's out of town) and listened to him talk and felt at home, finally.