Anyway, came across a post from a freelancer looking for "smart young women who doubt themselves," discounting their achievments - something she informed me is called "Imposter Syndrome." Hmmm, I thought, sounds like me - and all my friends for that matter! Maybe I have some insights to share. So I wrote her and actually came out with this very cathartic email, which I thought I would share with all of you dear readers. A blog is, after all, something of an online "journal," right? I thought maybe some more introspective posts were in order, so here it is.
After reading your email, I'm not sure I necessarily "suffer" from the Imposter Syndrome - i.e. I do give myself credit when I do well and enjoy my successes - but I do often doubt my abilities to "make it" in the real world and question how successful I will really be.
I guess it's just been such a big adjustment being in the working world; I graduated from college a year ago and it's taken that long to really feel comfortable and confident going to work everyday.
More than anything, I wonder if I'm making the right choices in my young career. I was an ASME intern in NYC the summer of 2003 and definitely on the magazine editing track throughout college, but after graduation money was tight and I wasn't able to move back to New York as I had hoped (I went to school and am still living in Portland, OR). Consequently, I couldn't apply for any editorial assistant positions (which is what all my close ASME friends are now doing), and I was stuck working as a receptionist at a law firm for 6 months.
Since November, I've been lucky enough to have found an entry-level position with a small PR agency (small as in just me and my boss) here in Portland working with a handful of lifestyle and fashion and beauty clients. At least in this job I am still connected with the magazine world that I had aspired to, albeit in a more "outside" role.
I never planned on doing PR and I still struggle with worries that my peers will think less of me for doing this (as you probably know, PR people aren't always so well-liked by magazine editors). And I miss New York and I wonder if I'm throwing away the opportunity to live there while I'm still young.
I was a straight-A student through college, got tons of scholarships, worked as a research assistant for one of my professors for three years, held four internships in newspapers and magazines, got published.....and yet, sometimes I think maybe I would be happiest just being a housewife one day, avoiding any chance of career failure or disappointment. I know I am smart and capable - my parents, my boyfriend, my friends have always told me that and voiced their admiration of my talents - but I still worry that by making the wrong choices, I will end up a professional failure.
And like I mentioned, I'm not the only one of my friends to feel this way. One of my long-time friends from HS is moving to NYC to attend The New School and get her master's in Media Studies, and yet sometimes she fantasizes about dropping out of her climb toward academia to just let her boyfriend support her. Another friend is an EA at a national magazine, and yet she wonders if she's on track with the rest of our ASME friends, getting enough chance to write, etc and opportunity to advance.
We've also all had a hard time adjusting to the maxim "Don't take it personally." Used to being praised constantly with good grades and supportive professors in college, when I get constructive criticism from my boss (which I am learning is inevitable in any job), I often obsess over it, berate myself for not knowing better, wonder if I'm going to be fired and then go home in an icky mood, desperate for some reassurance from my boyfriend that I AM smart and capable and a good employee. What an icky feeling!
It's extra hard for me because I work one-on-one with my boss everyday, so she immediately knows if I do something wrong and I immediately hear about, as opposed to getting a cushion of time to try and smooth things over before the boss hears about it through the grapevine.
Anyway, slowly but surely, I'm learning that just because I get a "You should do this from now on..." from my boss, it does NOT mean that she thinks I'm an idiot who should be fired. And I DO get praise when I do things well, and when that happens I feel good about it and don't usually downplay it in my head. Though I do worry that if I don't temper it with a bit of humility ("I got that client in that magazine just by luck, not my doggedly persistent following up"), I will become overly confident and stop working so hard. Weird worry, I know.
Anyway, I hope some of this helps...I don't know how coherent it is or how on-topic, but it was fun and insightful to write, so thanks! As for the basic details, my name is Liz, I'm 23, I live and work in Portland, OR in public relations - I guess my title is PR Assistant.
I heard back from the writer last night....my quote (whatever bits she may choose from my email) is going to be in an article in an upcoming For Me (new lifestyle magazine for a younger audience from Woman's Day). I'll of course post a link to it or something when it comes out. Am a being a bit too revealing, not private enough with these feelings? Oh well, I've never been a reserved person before, so I guess I won't start now. And any of these feelings sound familiar to you? If you want to share, please post away (I love to know I'm not alone!).
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