The Perils of Being a Hummer

I remember the moment I realized my last name was slang for a sex act. I was watching Saturday Night Live at 12 or 13, and they used "hummer" in a skit. (This whole time, I thought it involved Monica Lewinsky and a book called "How to Give the President a Hummer," but Wikipedia has just reminded me that the scandal didn't break until four years later, so I'm not sure I can trust my memory at all.) Whatever the context, I knew exactly what they were referring to, and I whirled around to my dad, desperately embarrassed – but also irrationally angry that he'd never warned me of this legacy before (in hindsight, I'm very glad we never had that awkward conversation).

Until then, I had, amazingly, never been the target of lewd jokes. All I knew was that Hummer means "lobster" in German, and according to our third grade lesson about surnames, that meant my ancestors were lobster fishermen (where did they do this in Germany? I've never figured that out...). Oh yeah, and it was also the name of those monoliths of the road, which back then were owned by only the military and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Hummer car company actually sent us a catalog once, full of sweatshirts, key chains, mugs and other tsotchkes – did they junk-mail assault all my distant relatives across the land? Nice marketing trick, guys. I know that I'm "Like Nothing Else," but I don't need to wear it on a T-shirt.


There are certain things you get used to with this last name. I've inevitably collected some curious lobster knick knacks. When I say my last name to close a bar tab, bartenders raise their eyebrows as though I must be joking. Dating...well, let's just say it creates certain high hopes. Even just platonic guy friends never get tired of calling me "Hummer." And I get every Hummer (vehicle)-related news story forwarded to my inbox, making me a mini-expert on a car I loathe. Today's installment, from my dad: Hummer Drivers Get More Tickets. A Lot More. [from Wired] Not too surprising, right? They're bullies on the road. But are they being unfairly targeted because the tanks attract so much attention? Or do Hummer drivers think they're big enough to break the rules more often? I'm going with the latter (and the experts agree). As my dad said, "Our name is being besmirched by 'colossal jerks'!"

I used to think I wouldn't hesitate to change my name when I got married. There's only so many times you can say, "Yes, like the car," knowing the person is really thinking that you've got a great porn star name. These days, though, I think I should hang on to it. Someone's gotta give the name a...well, good name!

By the way, wondering what the PONY connection is in this post? I found a fellow Elizabeth Hummer in New York (who has made the name proud with Hummer Productions). For now, until I tip the scales eastward, we're yet another thing the two cities have in common.